Of course, this is a huge question, but it's one I think of quite often, especially as my children get older and I see that the time I have with them at home is getting shorter and shorter. A valuable question to ask (and we should ask it from the time we give birth) is what do I want my children to look like when they leave home? I don't mean physically, either. I mean as far as their character is concerned. This is not a question that Christians alone are interested in, either. I know it was a concern for my mother when she was raising us. I know that above all, she wanted us to take responsibility for our actions, treat people other as we would like to be treated, and to respect and value our family. Not unreasonable goals, are they?
She did her best and I love her for it. The thing I noticed, however, as we got older, was that she began to have less and less patience for conflict. When children grow up, if we teach them to think for themselves, they will practice it on us first. That is a natural part of growing up. We are sinful people, and very often, there is conflict between parents and children. The kids don't want to accept an answer; parents get tired of repeating themselves. Sometimes, it's easier to have other things to occupy our minds than deal with a stubborn child. It can often feel easier to just give in. I will confess, that there have been times when I have butted heads with my strong-willed children and thought, "Do what you want; I don't care anymore." Of course that is not a good attitude. While they may turn around and do what they jolly well please, I still must make an effort to encourage right decisions. Sometimes, I will have to put my foot down and give consequences -- hard consequences -- for a bad choice. Often, those consequences may affect my in that my child is angry toward me. That always bothers me, and I see now that the anger my siblings and I directed toward my mother for consequences and boundaries bothered her, too. This led to occasional times of compromise in order to avoid the conflict. I have done this, too.
My husband reminds me regularly that parenting is not a popularity contest. We will have children angry with us, disappointed with us, and frustrated with us. It could anger borne out of a real sense that we are wronging them, but most of the time, they are just mad because they can't have their own way. As a mother, I want to get along with my children, but I also want them to develop good character, and sometimes, instilling that in them means I am not popular with them. I sense in myself lately, a weariness of conflict that my mother experienced.
The best way for me to serve my children, I think, is not to give them their heart's desires. My ultimate goal is to encourage God's best for them, and often, that may mean depriving them of something that they want, even if what they want is the freedom to speak to me however they want, in as belittling a way as they want. I need to point out if their behaviour is against God, no matter what their spiritual condition is. If they are offending God in their actions, I need to point it out. I don't need to beat them over the head with it, but they need to be told, gently and lovingly, with the understanding that what we want is for the to know the peace of God.
I don't like it my kids are angry with me or when I am angry with them. They don't understand how much it hurts to look into the face of an angry teen and see nothing but the innocent face of an infant. We mothers want things to be happy and harmonious. But the momentary harmony is not worth the long-term consequences of allowing foolishness and sin to continue. It means then, that I may be unpopular. They may be angry with me. It's a hard job to remember that their anger toward me is nothing compared to what I may face before my Saviour some day, if He points out to me that I did not do my job as a parent.
