Womanly Influences - 2

Last week, I talked about the influence of women with regard to teaching in local churches. Today, I want to talk about the influence we have in the spheres of our female relationships.

I must admit to having mixed feelings about female friendships. I know of women who rave about their female friendships, their "sisterhoods." They get together for spa dates and shopping and weekends away. On television and movies, women are depicted as calling one another up and revealing even their most intimate secrets to their girlfriends. They cry - literally and figuratively -- on the shoulders of their friends.

This kind of relationship frightens the daylights out of me, to be honest. While I have always felt a certain amount of insecurity because I don't have friendships like that (after all, aren't I supposed to have friends like this?), at the same time, I have mistrusted them.

I will admit, however, to carrying a certain amount of baggage over this because of my experience with female friendships during my childhood and teen years. Plus, I have three brothers, and I learned very early that sometimes, boys make better friends. However, when I became a mother of small children, I learned that female friends were not such a bad thing. I did become re-acquainted with some of the reasons why I had avoided them, but being older, I knew how not to let those things control me. I have also come to see that the friendships between Christian women are not necessarily easier or better than those with unbelieving women. But these relationships exist, and that is indeed a sphere of influence that should be considered.

In Scripture, we have instructions with regard to how older women are to treat younger women, but the guidelines for female friendships are not explicitly described. Those exhortations are contained within the larger scope of how to treat people in general. I think that the best rule of thumb for how to treat our friends is to have our attitudes shaped by the simple injunction in Philippians 2:1-11.

There are, however, some practical ways that we can be a positive influence in the lives of our female friends, and I just want to mention a few. First and foremost, I think we can be the best influence by having a solid understanding of what biblical womanhood is all about. To be the best kind of friend to any woman begins with our first being well-taught in what being a biblical woman is all about. It is not about being a regular attender at every woman's event, although that isn't a bad thing. It's more about being a woman with a biblical mindset. Yes, that will involve study. So, my first thought would be to encourage our female friends in study of the Scriptures; solid study through resources that focus on the text and less on "feelings" or "issues." I have read a few "women" books and a lot of them sound like a sanctified episode of Oprah or Dr. Phil, and I don't think that is what women need. We need biblical content, not fluff. Why do people assume that women want that? Have we been led to think that we must want that?

Secondly, I think we can influence our friends by our relationships with our husbands if we are married. I have some single Christian women friends, and while they are not married, my life before them as a married woman is still an influence. It reflects my attitude toward biblical authority in my life, i.e. being submissive to my husband as Scripture dictates. With my married friends, I think it is even more important to be a good example of a woman who puts her husband first. I have noticed with some of my friends that it seems to be very easy to transfer allegiance to our friends rather than our husbands. I have done it to my own husband, much to his frustration. This is what I mean: I go to him for counsel and he advises me. I go and seek the input of my female friend on the same issue, and she gives me the same answer. I return to my husband and say, "Honey, this is what I think I should do." He looks at me blankly, thinking, "Isn't that what I said?" It is all too true that we often listen more closely to our female friends rather than our husbands. Now, this is not to say that our female friends don't have good advice, and sometimes, it will be better advice because there are just some situations that are better addressed by a woman. However, it can easily turn into a situation where we are more loyal to the "sisters," than we are to our husbands. That is a bad influence to have in front of younger women because it detracts from the primacy of the marriage relationship. It's also a negative example to younger women, including our daughters.

This means that we ought not to make a habit of choosing the company of our girlfriends over that of our husbands. There is definitely time and freedom to have fellowship with our female friends, but I don't think we should do it at the expense of our husbands. I think there is merit in asking our husbands what they think first and we should be willing to say no to our friends in order to be with our husbands. These days, if a man is seen as preferring his wife stay home with him, he is a brute and a control freak. I don't like brutes or control freaks and I'm not talking about an abusive man. But I have seen where women have neglected their marriage relationships in favour of their female friendships. There is nothing wrong with saying to our friends, "I want to spend the evening with my husband." It shows our friends that he is our priority. One of my closest friends has demonstrated this with wonderful consistency over the years. Her husband is clearly her closest friend, and she makes time for him. He has a busy job, and she works around his schedule, even if it means she doesn't see her female friends as much. I don't get to see her as often as I would like, but I love this about her, and she encourages me. My other close friend is pretty much the same. If I don't call her for a few days or she doesn't call me, neither of us gets into a snit. We just recognize that our husbands come first.

The third way we can influence our friends is through a similar attitude with our children. Especially as our kids get older and can stay at home on their own, it gets easy to drop everything to do something with our friends. Whether it is a fun event or even something good with our church, we should still make sure it is the wisest thing to do. One of the things I always did when my children were being homeschooled is that I did not make many commitments in the day. That meant if there was something for women in the day, I generally didn't go. I had made the commitment to homeschooling and I realized that it meant that I might be limited in doing certain things in the day. I don't think other women understood that. Sometimes, it meant not going to evening events, either, because I wanted to be the kids mother, not the teacher. That is one of the things people don't always know about homeschooling: mom needs to be mom at the end of the day, and that involves doing fun things when all the school work is done. Similarly, I have always made it a priority to make sure the kids got to their music lessons, and that often meant sacrificing time with my friends as I sat and waited for my kids.

My kids are older now, and a lot of other women wonder why I don't take advantage of their self-sufficiency. Well, they can stay alone, but sometimes, having my kids alone for extended periods is not always best. Teenagers may be able to stay at home alone without setting the house on fire, but that doesn't mean it is the best thing to do. Often, it means that when I come home, the house is in disarray, despite their efforts to prevent it. The simple fact of the matter is that the house doesn't run the same when I am not here. If I make a decision to go somewhere and leave the kids alone for a long period of time, it has to be worth the consequences when I get home. My boys like it that I am home when they get home from school. There are days, especially in the winter, when I have cookies or warm coffee cake and hot chocolate waiting for them. They tell me about their days. It is the comfort of knowing I am here that means something to them. My friends are all aware that this is a priority for me, and I want my kids to treat their own children similarly. We only have our kids at home for a brief time; we ought to make the most of it.

The last way I can think of with regard to these female friendships is the attitude we have with regard to our words. The reality is that often, when women get together, the speech issues run amok. Men bashing, gossip, complaining, and nattering are sadly, mostly, "women" issues. We can be an influence by not participating in these things. When we hear these speech patterns beginning, we can nip them in the bud by changing the subject. A good rule of thumb, I think, is to converse about ideas rather than conversing about people. It's the easiest way to avoid getting out of control. I don't say this because I'm always a model of controlled speech; I say it because I know this is my own weakness. One of the things that has been such a blessing over the past few weeks is the time my friend and I have been studying the book of Matthew together. Our two hours together is edifying, God-centred time that avoids bad speech patterns. I think the more we fill our minds with Scripture, the better our mouths will operate.

I don't have a huge circle of female friends, and I don't often get invited to the extra curricular woman activities. I think it is because during my homeschooling years, I was largely unavailable to them, and now, the pattern is set. But it is okay. I am blessed to have two or three friends with whom I have wonderful, godly relationships. We work at being a positive influence in to one another, and that is better than a lot of friendships that aren't.