The Prison of Perspective

Recently, I watched two movies that reminded me how difficult it is to view things outside of our age and experience determined perspective.

The first movie was Into the Wild. Now, I had an inkling prior to viewing that I would find this movie a bit of a difficulty, because Dan Phillips had written a review of it. I did try to keep an open mind, but even reading the synopsis of it made me suspect there would be parts I wouldn't like. The movie was highly recommended to me by a young man from our youth bible study. Generally, when he recommends, I like it, so I decided to watch it. Well, it kind of made me mad. The movie is the story of a young man who grew up with very dysfunctional parents. After his graduation from college he disappears without any word to his parents. He ends up in Alaska, where he dies alone from apparent starvation. The character disdains money and being tied down, and in his reaction to his parents and the life he led, he becomes a post-modern nomad of sorts. While I understand his anger toward his parents, I thought his method of dealing with his angst was terribly self-indulgent. His selfishness is further proven by the way he never again contacts the sister who never did him any wrong and who really loved him. She had to deal with life alone in her home with two confused, grieving parents, wondering why her brother would not get in touch with her. Furthermore, the young man gave away $24,000 that was left in his college fund to charity. He did nothing to earn that money; it was not his to give. It seemed to me that his goal was to hurt his parents as much as they had hurt him.

As you can see, my view of this is terribly coloured by the fact that I am a parent. The young person who recommended it to me, and another one who had also seen it did not view the man as self-indulgent, but rather viewed him as somewhat of a hero. They saw his bold move to emancipate himself from his oppressive parents as virtuous. Keep in mind that these are Christian young people who have been taught the reality that God gives us our parents for better or worse. Their perspective was completely different from that of my husband's and mine.

The second movie I watched was one of the ultimate "chick" movies of all time, Steel Magnolias. I watched this with my 19 year old daughter. This is the story of a group of women who are friends, and who frequent the hair salon of one of their group. The plot is driven by the daughter of one of the women, played by Julia Roberts, who is a diabetic and decides to have a child despite the warnings of the doctors not to do so. This decision results in her death. The first time I ever saw this movie, my daughter was an infant. I reacted then as I did when we watched it the other night: I felt for the mother, played by Sally Field. Her daughter was making a decision that would affect everyone involved, including her husband, mother, father, brothers, and child. She would not be dissauded. At one point, Julia Roberts' character says, "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

Baloney.

If people really answered that question honestly, they'd rather have a lifetime of wonderful. That sentiment, however, makes for a good chick movie.

That line however, in all its romanticism, is the one that my daughter found compelling. That is not the one I find striking. Rather, I will always remember the scene with Sally field in the cemetary yelling "I want to know why!!" when she is grieving for her daughter. My daughter and I will view this differently because we are at different places in our lives.

I thought about this issue of perspectives and was reminded how this perspective prison can affect our ability to be gracious and understanding with others, especially in parent-child relationships. Both sides have to realize how hard it is to overcome this reality. I remember being a teenager and thinking it would be wonderful to emancipate myself from my parents. But now I understand what my parents were about when they set limits and boundaries; they did it because they loved me and wanted the best for me. At the time, I thought it was to control me, but that was not true. When we are tempted to get frustrated at the things our young people do, we have to remember that their perspectives are still so limited, and it is only by the Holy Spirit that they can be led and taught. We have to continue to teach them, but a perspective determined by age or any other factor can't be overcome apart from God. Only God can give us the grace to deal with this tension, and sometimes, it takes a lot of trust let go and know that we can do or say nothing to make anyone see our perspective. Furthermore, perhaps we need to ask God to help us see someone else's perspective. It takes a lot of humility on the part of a child to accept the will of a parent despite not being able to see the parent's perspective entirely. Humility is not easy for the most part.

My husband has developed a saying when he talks to the kids about their choices. He says, "Your older self won't appreciate what your current self is doing." When we are young, we cannot conceive of our perspective changing. I felt that way even fifteen years ago; that is why I foolishly said prideful things about things I would not allow with my children, and decisions I would make with regard to their lives. Silly, silly girl. Now I know that as I grow in the things of God, my perspective will change. I know that right now there are opinions and viewpoints I'm going to have in twenty years that I can't even imagine because time and wisdom are going to refine my foolish thinking. It's comforting in a way, but when it comes to parenting, it's daunting, because we do have to remember just how much we need God to give us all that is required for the task of raising young people.