In another lifetime, hubby and I were "Growing Kids" parents. That is to say, we used material created by Gary Ezzo to guide our parenting. We have since seen how some of it (much of it, actually) was not strictly parenting by the Bible, but rather by the philosophy of Ezzo himself. However, some of it was simply common sense and not harmful.
We took the Ezzo parenting class when your children were 10, 7, and 5 years old. At that time, we were concerned with things likes whether or not the child said "Yes, mommy" or "Yes, daddy" after every instruction. "Okay" was not sufficient. It had to be "Yes, mommy" or "Yes, daddy." There were a few power struggles in our family over that wording. We were told that a refusal to say those exact words was a refusal to obey. I've seen now that a "Yes, mommy" or a "Yes, daddy" can quickly become a parrot-like response devoid of any heart involvement.
We were also concerned whether or not our children were quiet in public. The "preciousness of others" demanded that when we were in public, our children didn't act up unnecessarily, because that would be disrespectful to those around us, and would not be treating others as precious. We were also concerned whether or not our child called our friends Mr. and Mrs., and if they were too shy to say "Hello, Mrs. Jones" we were to say that we were "working on" getting our child to stop being shy. In the Ezzo world shyness=rudeness. So, when an outgoing 8 year old walks up to your friend and says, "Hello, Mrs. Smith. How are you today? Isn't it a lovely day?" she is morally mature. If your 11 year old is a little introverted and feels overwhelmed meeting new people, you must "work on her" to overcome her rude tendencies.
Yes, these were the thins that concerned us. To be fair, we were told that we were to be imparting moral truths to our children, but in the overwhelming work to get our children to generate the "right response," sometimes the heart issues slowly become secondary. I was told in a mother's group of Growing Kids moms that I should keep a list of all the things I was "working on" with my child. I was to write these things in a journal, and then write how they were doing with them. I was to do this with each child, and for each infraction against those things that I was working on, I was to provide consequences, such as reflective time outs, etc., and then deal with each one. That seemed overwhelming to me. I actually did buy a notebook. I used it for a day. I felt like I was being the Mommy Gestapo.
We've since "recovered" from that phase of our life, but not before inadvertently fortifying an already-present tendency in our oldest child. Our oldest child, as many "oldest" children are, is a perfectionist. She has wonderful qualities, yet she is still very hard on herself. I believe that the year or more that we delved into Ezzo teaching, we fed that fancy she has to be perfect, to be passive and perfect; to always appear perfect in public. What I have come to see now is that parenting is less a matter of seeking the right response; it is about equipping our children. Parenting is about equipping our children with the moral teaching necessary to face every situation in life. And how do we equip them? We equip them through our love and through the Word of God.
Our love provides them with security, encouragement and trust. Our love to them is the first "model" of God's love they ever see. A 4 year old child can hear that God loves him, but the only love he can practically understand is his parents' love for him. I'm sure we can all agree that young people who never know their parents' love for them (and in fact may know only their parents' disdain for them) can end up being very hostile to the notion that God love them. While parental love is not a substitute for God's love, it does provide a picture of what love is. An imperfect, human picture, but a picture nonetheless.
Love is an action, and loving our children should be a pro-active thing. It should be demonstrated in time invested in them; time for teaching, fun, discipline or just a little TLC. I can speak from personal experience that a lack of time from our parents will drive children to other people, away from the family to people who will give them time. Then, all of a sudden, Mother and Father want to know why Junior wants to spend so much time at someone else's house. That time spent with our kids is a way of equipping them with the security that they need and desire.
The Word of God equips them with truth. It gives them a set of glasses through which they can look at the world and answer those perplexing questions. I believe that part of teaching our children the foundations of the Word of God is teaching them how it relates to the world. This is definintely for when they get older. I have heard many complaints from teenagers that the bible teaching they receive is the "same old same old." That doesn't mean that they are bored with the bible. It means that they are getting older, and they want to know how the Word of God can help them understand the world in which they find themselves. A 5 year old is thrilled to hear the stories of David, Joshua, Gideon, Paul, and Barnabas. An older kid wants to know how those truths are going to help him as he looks ahead to leaving home and making his way in the world. This kind of teaching requires a tremendous amount of time, and it can't be done in a few short weeks. It can take a few years.
I'm a person who loves my tools. When I take an interest in a new hobby, I like to work with good equipment. When I decided I wanted to learn calligraphy, I asked those in the know what were the best kind of pens to use. I found out from experience that not all pens are created equal, so I made sure I had some good ones. How our children grow in their faith is dependent upon how we equip them. There is a time for simple, easy niceties like saying "please" and "thank you," and not interrupting rudely. Those lessons ought to be brief and they ought to be followed up with a healthy dose of why we even bother doing those things. And those lessons ought to be carried out with a great deal of mercy. However, the time also comes when our parenting must focus on speaking to the motives of the child. We need to be equipping them with truth from God's word so that the "responses" aren't just responses, but are natural attitudes that flow from a love of God and a desire to please Him.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because I've seen many examples (and I'm seeing them in my own life, too) of parents who have not equipped their children with a solid spiritual foundation. All too often we treat children like plants: feed and water them and turn them occasionally as needed. Children take time; they take lots of time. My hat goes off to women who have very busy careers. How on earth do they find the time? How do they find the time to equip their kids? I struggle to find the time, and I'm home all day.
There are times when I look back at when my kids were younger and I wish I'd known these lessons.
