Merciful parenting

In checking my sitemeter, I have discovered that many people still come to my blog from a link at Ezzo Info. This is a site with information regarding Gary Ezzo and his parenting program. I did a post quite a while ago ruminating about my experience with Gary Ezzo's parenting techniques. Someone at Ezzo Voices must have read it, because it is linked there. That I had anything of value to say on such a subject was pretty cool. As I saw the referrals - actually two or three just today - I got to thinking once again about the value of parenting programs.

I have decided that I don't like parenting "experts." You know what? No one can be a parenting "expert." None of us knows every possible manifestation of parenting. I have boys and a girl, but I have never parented an ill child, or one with special needs. I have not parented with an unbelieving husband, or with ill parents, or with my own illness. No one can give perfect advice except for God, and while he doesn't have a parenting manual with a glossy cover, showing beautiful, happy children, He has left us His word, and it is up to us to pursue those truths diligently and apply them to our families.

Does this mean I don't and won't recommend parenting books? No, it does not. What it does mean is that if someone asks me about which parenting "expert" to look at, Dobson, Ezzo, Pearl, Tripp, or Lehman, I say "read more than one, and read them all with the understanding that they aren't experts." I am totally against clinging to every syllable uttered from the mouth of a supposed parenting expert. Take the advice and think about it, yes, but don't hang on the words.

That was one of the (many) things that eventually turned me off Gary Ezzo. The supporters of his program acted as if he knew it all, and felt they had to consult with his works before making a decision. I'll be honest. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this, but sometimes the devotion to Ezzo over any other voice, or reason itself, seemed a little "cultish" to me. Parenting books aren't meant to replace reason, prayer and thoughtful decision making. They are guidelines. Obviously some are guidelines are better than others. I wouldn't rate Mr. Ezzo's program in the "great" department, and no, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who was about to embark on the parenting journey.

You want to know who I get the best parenting advice from? Older parents. Parents who have trod the path I have yet to tread. Women who have had the sons with the long hair, the daughters with the emotional outbursts, the sons who set fire to the back yard, the mothers who have known the pain of rebellious children. They give good advice. And you know what is really ironic? Sometimes, the best advice comes from the mothers whose children look the least perfect. The ones who have struggled and seen the other side. The ones who have shed the most tears and been on their knees the most. The Body of Christ is meant to be utilized by us. I wholeheartedly recommend drawing upon the parenting experience of those Christians in our midst.

One thing I have sensed with some of the more popular parenting gurus is the lack of mercy. Some of the parenting methods out there seem designed to produce automatons, not disciples. The outward behaviour becomes the goal rather than what motivates it. Rather than working with a child's heart, the programs are designed to achieve results. Now. And often at an age when the child can barely control his bladder. Training up a disciple demands mercy as well as discipline. Think of some of Jesus' disciples; they made mistakes. Peter certainly did. Our goal in parenting is not to produce children who will "perform" but children who will seek after righteousness. If the parenting program puts an undue emphasis on achieving the "right" behaviour, and not enough emphasis on reaching the heart, then the child will now know how to seek after righteousness.

God is merciful. He is so merciful that he loved us when we didn't deserve to be loved:

But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:4-6)

Berkhof says about mercy: It is the love of God toward those who are in misery and distress, irrespective of their desires. It contemplates man as one who is bearing the consequences of sin, and is therefore in a pitiable condition.

Battling sin is hard. I, as a 41 year old woman find it a difficult task. Think about a small child; a four year old gives into the temptation to disobey. In the midst of his action, he can't even begin to comprehend what sin is. How can it not overwhelm him? It overwhelms me. We have to remember the struggle with sin in the lives of our children and be merciful when the situation demands it. Very often, they don't know why they do the things they do. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying we be so merciful that we never put our foot down when it's necessary. I'm not saying that at all. We provide discipline, instruction; we impose limits and give consequences for going beyond those limits. But sometimes, some of the parenting "experts" out there seem to forget that sometimes, when dealing with small children, it is more important to demonstrate mercy, and be patient with them. We may not see the result we want today. Sometimes, when we're working on an issue with our kids, we have to just give it up for today, and get back to work on it tomorrow. Is that not what God does with us on a daily basis? Keep the standard high, but be patient as you wait for the child to get there, and realize that it's a process.

I wish I had been more merciful to my children when they were younger. I often expected far too much from them. Do you know what I once said to my child? I said: "When you misbehave in public, you shame our family, and that shames God." I wish I could take that back. What a horrible, stupid thing to say; the kid was probably only about eight years old. It was something I was recommnded to say by someone whose business it was to help parents. It didn't help. It made my children more concerned about pleasing me for the wrong reasons. I could kick myself every time I realize how dumb that was. I hope the one I said it to forgets about it.

We hold the very hearts of our children in our hands. While they are created unique by God, and come "equipped" for various things, we as parents have the power to encourage or crush them. I wish when my children were younger, I'd had another mother remind me to be merciful. I think it makes a big difference in how our children respond to us.