I’ve been doing something unwise quite often the last few weeks. I’ve been turning up the volume on my iPod so loud that I can’t hear anything outside of the music. I know I’m doing this. I realize that I’m doing what I tell my kids not to do, and I’m likely ruining my hearing. I alternate this activity with more bible reading. I’m trying to read all four gospels during Lent (please, all you anti-Lent people out there; I’m only doing this as a way to prepare my heart for Easter) in addition to my other bible reading.
Why am I alternating between extreme volume and silent reading? I’m trying to drown out the Gremlins. They are whispering loudly these days, and they are saying things like: “You have let God down when it comes to your children.” They are saying it often, and sometimes for a fraction of a minute (maybe longer) I believe them. I look at the kind of mother I am, the woman I am and I wonder if I have indeed let God down.
I won’t go into specifics; it doesn’t really matter what they are, anyway. Suffice it to say, I wonder how much therapy my children will need to recover from having me as their mother.
I am an anxious person. I admit it. It is my besetting sin. We all have one, so before anyone gets all smug about it, stop and think for a moment about what trips you up. I am also a very emotional person, and I have a difficult time hiding how I feel. In Christian circles, being too emotional carries almost as much stigma as having a mental illness (probably because other Christians associate being over emotional as a mental illness). Unfortunately, the only other person in my life who can relate to how I feel (being over emotional and anxious) is my 13 year old son, and that’s because we are very similar. This similarity may create a feeling of solidarity in the future, but right now, all it is doing is creating a lot of conflict, and more angst on my part. How can I, being the emotional roller coaster that I am, ever hope to help this son with his besetting sin?
About six years ago we got involved with parenting classes written by Gary Ezzo. You don’t need me to detail the controversy that surrounds that man. The short story is that I actually think it was not a positive thing for our family. I think it actually generated a feeling of fear among our children; a fear of messing up because we expected too much. Sometimes, I find it very difficult to think about that, because those years when we tried to implement those principles are gone, and we can’t get them back. I’m wondering if I will be 60 years old some day and have one of my kids come to me and tell me how much they resented us because of those efforts.
Yes, I wanted a parenting guru. I wanted someone to give me a prescribed list of “to do’s” that would ensure that our family would run smooth as silk. After the Ezzo principles fell by the way side, I read other parenting books, three or four, and despite getting lots of good advice from them, I realized that looking for a parenting guru is a ludicrous idea. There is no such thing as a “one size fits all” parenting; at least not unless your children are automatons, and I don’t know too many families who have those kind of kids. No, as Marlene points out in her post today, the best place for parenting guidance is none other than the Word of God. We, as the parents, must diligently seek the Scriptures and apply the truths to our families. That requires work; lots of work. It may mean getting a pastor or a more mature believer to go into the scriptures with us, but we need to do it. This is where I feel I have failed my children. I was so busy looking up prescriptions for bad behaviour, methods to make parenting convenient, that it wasn’t until the last year or so that I realized that parenting is never convenient. Some days are easier, but parenting is the most difficult job in the world.
I find this time of parenting a lesson in contrasts. It is enjoyable. I love seeing the people my children are becoming. I like being made to see the world with their eyes. It helps to remove some of the dust of my own vision, which is cloudy at times, at the age of 41 years old. Being made to see things in new ways is a good thing. On the other hand, I find this time also very hard. We are no longer dealing with beings who trust every word we say, and think we can do anything. We are dealing on a day to day basis with young people who know only too well that their parents don’t know it all. They are trying to find the balance between figuring out things for themselves, and being a little hesitant to stray to far from their parents. Sometimes, I think it is as if they want to be independent, but they’re not 100% sure how to attain that. They are interested in members of the opposite sex, and they are learning how to be friends with them, and wondering about being more than friends. They are thinking about their futures, about school, about life in general. It can be stressful. As parents, sometimes we want to fix everything for them. It’s hard to sit still and let them figure things out on their own because all we want to do is protect them. We fear so much seeing them get hurt. For me, seeing my kids hurt is positively excruciating. I feel like my besetting sins make me a poor helper during these times. Being prone to being anxious does not make me a very comforting individual to be around at times.
That being said, I can clearly see that this combination of being anxious and parenting teens is a way that God is going to use to sanctify me. The only question is, will I be co-operative, or will I totally mess up?
