I had an occasion for some mom-daughter discussion yesterday in the car. In the car, alone, is the best time to talk, because we don’t have to worry about little boys in the back asking us to clarify what we’re saying. Virginia continues to be discouraged by the behaviour of two girls in her youth group, specifically the way they judge and shun two other girls who come from outside the church. Both of these girls come to the youth group, but are not from homes that are in the practice of going to church. Whatever their spiritual condition, both girls tend to be unaware about the unwritten code of conduct for young girls within the youth group, a code of conduct seemingly established by the young girls themselves. Yes, these two girls are a little aggressive with the boys. In fact, one of them repeatedly phones my friend’s son, sometimes multiple times a day. Yes, these girls have a lot more freedom than most of the kids in our youth group; yes, one of them brags quite regularly about the number of classes she’s skipped, and makes no secret of the disdain with which she regards her mother. Yes, one of them has a pierced nose, but she wears a tiny little diamond stud, and it really suits her. However, two girls from our church just don’t like the behaviour of these two girls, and think they should change it. They cloak their interference and judgment with claims that they are being an “example” and are “ministering” to the girls. It’s a rather odd sort of ministry, because it never actually involves them talking to the girls about their concerns; it simply involves them going to youth leaders to talk about the situation, or engaging in “sanctified gossip” (I love that phrase. Thanks to whoever came up with it) with one another. Recently, my daughter finally spoke up and said, “We ought to stop talking about this.”
Virginia has pleaded with her friends to cut these girls some slack because they have not been brought up in the same environment, that they have different home lives, and what do these kids know of anyone else’s life anyway? One of the girls said to my daughter: “There comes a point where you have to stop cutting people slack; they know what is right and what is wrong.”
When I heard that statement repeated to me, I could not help but go back in my mind to when I first met my husband. I met him in the summer of 1984. We were both working in the same office. I was not a Christian; he was. I was not aware that he was a Christian, but I was aware that there was something about him that was different than the other boys I had gone out with. At that time, I was really, really searching for God, so I think my senses were heightened toward things of God. We worked in an office with three other students, and we would all regularly have lunch together. My husband and I were just friends in the beginning, and I actually spent more time talking to one of the other boys, whom we called “The Mortician” (because he was long, skinny and very white). I was not like the girls my husband knew. I was very rough around the edges. My speech was not seasoned with grace, and I’m sure it was often a little unbecoming. When I realized that I kind of liked this guy, I did not behave in a way that I’d like to see my daughter behave. I was a manipulator, and a networker, and I created opportunities to gain his attention, despite the fact that he had a girlfriend back home. My standards for personal conduct at this time would not have matched with the girls he knew. True, I was definitely under conviction at that time of my life, because I remember feeling very desirous to be “clean” but feeling absolute frustration because I didn’t know how to attain that. However, I’m sure he realized that I was different.
My husband saw through all the “stuff” on the outside. He saw that there was someone underneath the flirting, the colorful language, and the manipulating. He wouldn’t take me home to meet his parents, because he was afraid that they would be a little upset about him dating an unbelieving girl (and he would have been correct), but he cut me some slack, and got to know me, and eventually, he introduced me to them. I met my husband in the summer of 1984, and I became a Christian in May 1985. He never once made an issue out of my unbecoming behaviour, or criticized me, or tried to change me. He talked about what he believed, he took me to church, he shared what he understood of godly behaviour, but he never made me feel bad. I think he was like this because he was wearing the right garments. In Colossians, Paul says:
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Col. 3:12-15
I think my husband was wearing compassion, kindness and humility. I know that Paul is addressing believers here, but how much more should this attitude should be shown those who are not believers? There is nothing we can do as human beings to cause people to feel conviction of God; that is the job of the Holy Spirit. There is nothing we can do to convert people to Christ; ultimately, that is the job of the Holy Spirit. But we can do something to turn others off ever wanting to be with Christians, and that is to misrepresent Christ through being judgmental and harsh. Yes, Christ condemned sin, and we can lovingly point out errors, but point out is all we can do, and we need to be careful about how we point out error. There’s a big difference between using a great big stick and a gentle word. The rest is up to God. I heard a young summer student at our church say something once that I have always remembered. He said: “The unbeliever and the believer are like two hungry men; the only difference is that one knows where to go to find food, and the other does not.” I guess I’m sensitive to these girls because I see myself in them, and I know that it is only by God’s grace that I am where I am today.
Would I like my daughter to behave like these girls? Not really. I think they are a little rebellious toward their parents, and I don’t want that kind of influence affecting her attitudes. Do I want these girls to remember my daughter as one who was judgmental and self-righteous? No, I don’t. I want her to wear those same garments my husband was wearing when he met me. Those garments were what drew me to him (well, I did think he was cute, too) and that difference I noticed was those garments. I don’t want her to show compassion so these girls will say how wonderful she is, but because I believe that is her job. Young people talk about wanting to know God’s will for their lives. Well, here’s a will for you: put on Christ. I am praying that my daughter continues to be their friends, and that they will continue to come to church and hear the Word of God.
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